Jack & Jill Politics

Youths in the District of Columbia appreciate the efforts of the city to provide prophylactics to them but, label-conscious as they are, have complained that the Durex rubbers they’re receiving are not equipped to handle their obviously substantial manhood. From WaPo

High school students and college-age adults have been complaining to District officials that the free condoms the city has been offering are not of good enough quality and are too small and that getting them from school nurses is “just like asking grandma or auntie.”

So D.C. officials have decided to stock up on Trojan condoms, including the company’s super-size Magnum variety, and they have begun to authorize teachers or counselors, preferably male, to distribute condoms to students if the teachers complete a 30-minute online training course called “WrapMC” — for Master of Condoms.

“If people get what they don’t want, they are just going to trash them,” said T. Squalls, 30, who attends the University of the District of Columbia. “So why not spend a few extra dollars and get what people want?”

Now, the quality of a condom is a real thing. Like jeans, you get what you pay for.

But too small huh? The odds of most dudes having that problem are not terribly good. Some? Sure, but a whole city’s young male population? Come on. And, as Jozen Cummings of Global Grind had the displeasure of discovering via The New York Times, there’s a funny little secret about the gold foil hang-down protector

[A]s the story’s writer, Andrew Adam Newman points out later, the Magnum is only connoting a myth.

For all the connotations, however, it turns out that Magnum is not so large. It is the same length as standard condoms, with the same circumference at its base, Mr. Daniels said. “Some people feel more comfortable with that width, but you don’t have to be an overly endowed man to use a Magnum and enjoy it,” he added.

My jaw dropped the minute I read this.

As someone who always prided himself as a Magnum man (not a Trojan man, a Magnum one), I feel like I’ve been given the okey-doke. Here I was for all these years thinking I had something special as evidenced by my big black box of golden wrapped contraceptives, only to find out there’s really nothing special about them at all. The only real magical power they have is preventing pregnancy, which is the same magical powers all condoms have, with mixed results.

So, strapping lads of DC, while I appreciate the seeming desire to be comfortable while conscientious…f**k outta here with that bulls**t you’re not that big a deal.