Jack & Jill Politics

President Barack Obama greets professional golfer Tiger Woods in the Oval Office Monday, April 20, 2009. The 14-time major winner visited the White House Monday following a press conference for the AT&T National, the PGA Tour event Woods hosts at Congressional Country Club June 29-July 5.

UPDATE: I’ve had a chance to read through some of your comments on this post. Let’s clear one thing up: This here blog called JJP is, has been and will continue to be irreverent and satirical. Effective  satirical black political comedy — whether it’s Richard Pryor, Chris Rock, Wanda Sykes or Dave Chappelle for instance — tries to get your attention & deliver a hard-hitting message. The humor is intended to make the slap sting a little less and keep you open to the message.

That said, I hear the concerns about disrespect. I’m certainly not accusing the Prez of sexual misconduct. And I hope if he or other White House peeps cruised by, that they would both hear the message and see the SATIRE here. My point for this post is simply this: I really hope that Barack chooses the Nelson life approach rather than the Tiger one. Not just for his sake but for all African-Americans since we still suffer under a double standard socially (see my Jobs post today for more on how that’s impacting us). I am as passionate in my support of Barack Obama & family as you. No disrespect is intentional here. NOTE: My favorite dis in the comments were the ones accusing me of being a “hot-tailed ho”. That really made me laugh. Hard. Thanks for that. End of update. Carry on.

Look, Barack. We’ve never met. So forgive me for getting all…personal…on you. But this whole 24/7 Tiger thing got me thinking. It’s all over TV. TheGrio and The Root have covered it ad nauseam. Oprah’s apparently trying to get Tiger onto her couch.

Why are people so fascinated? For one thing, it’s the crumbling of a powerful icon, not just in sports. But for black people’s self-esteem. Sure, he was all “I’m Cablinasian” which pissed us off. And he wasn’t really there when we needed him on stuff like oh say, Katrina. I mean, Brad Pitt’s done more for the 9th Ward than Tiger.

But Tiger Woods, like the Williams sisters, proved that we could be represented in any arena with pride and skill. That we could be the best even in a sport that formally shut us out from the pros. Plus Tiger’s image was picture perfect. It was a steep fall.

While Tiger is ducking his wife’s woods (get it – it’s a golf reference!) and hiding in his probably giant bathroom from his mother-in-law and while the press is obsessively stalking his house, black people can take a moment to reflect together.

This is pretty serious. The one thing white people seem to fear the most is out-of-control black sexuality. We know it’s a myth and fantasy. But it doesn’t help change the fallacious image when one of America’s perfect black icons appears obsessed with banging as many white chicks in Vegas as possible behind his perfect white wife’s back.

It’s not just African-Americans — certainly sexual misconduct has been the downfall for many public figures, particularly white Republican politicians of late. And Bill Clinton remains stained (if you’ll permit the pun), perhaps permanently. Still, with us, it’s never just one man who goes down. All of us take a hit. It’s not fair. But it’s still the case, no?

So Barack, I’ve got some advice for you. Here it is. Buckle your seat belt.

1) These are the only Secret Service-approved places for your little Commander-in-Chief to be, ever:

• In your pants
• In your hand
• In FLOTUS

That’s it, brother. Obviously, that was true before you became president and it’s way more true now. If you want all the rewards of working really, really hard (and we all know you’ve got like the worst job in America. Much worse than those fishermen on the Deadliest Catch), then you will not deviate from this list. Ever. For the rest of your life. I can only imagine how much poontang has been thrown at you on the campaign trail and now in the White House. How many well-manicured hands have tried to grab that ass? Probably hundreds of thousands. I don’t care. You gotta lock it. You’re a golfer:

Keep your own clubs in your own golf bag.

There is nowhere on this planet where you could ever keep extra-marital adventures a secret. Jupiter probably isn’t even far enough away. You might be able to talk to that brother running NASA about some other distant galaxy where they don’t know who you are but even that’s risky.

2) Look instead to the example of Nelson Mandela. When he learned of Winnie’s indiscretions, he quietly and with as much dignity as possible given the circumstances, divorced her. And went on to marry another amazing & well-respected woman not far from his own age. An old friend. He retained the respect and trust of his people and all the world. Because ultimately it’s not about the sex. It’s about trust. If your own wife can’t trust you, why should we? Continue to show us that you respect yourself and your relationships. Continue to lead by example.

It will assure the rest of the nation that African-Americans can be trusted and respected, no matter how high we climb.