The Guide to the Conservative Palinguage Vol.2 — the People’s Edition
John Ridley
Posted September 5, 2008 | 05:06 PM (EST)

This is the Vol. 2 of The Guide to the Conservative Palinguage. I’m calling this one the People’s Edition because you, the people, have obviously been taking AP courses in talking Conservative. I’ve been slammed with responses. Enough that I can promise you there will be future volumes. Along with some of mine, I’ve mixed in a few of yours for everybody’s linguistic pleasure.

Before we start, I’d like to note that I intimated in Vol. 1 that English is a Latin based language. Hondorf was among a few others who pointed out that English is “primarily German based, yes, but it is really a hybrid of Germanic and Romantic languages . . . by the way, I am a redneck.”

Clearly, none of us should judge a neck by its color.

A reminder, we’re collecting Palinisms here, and over at That Minority If you’ve got ’em, send ’em.

Ready? Let’s begin!

If you get 18 million people to vote for you in a national presidential primary, you’re a “phoney.” Get 100,000+ people to vote you governor of the 47th most populous state in the Union, you’re “well loved.”

SoyAA says: If you are biracial and born in a state not connected to the lower 48, America needs darn near 2 years and 3 major speeches to “get to know you.” If you’re white and from a state not connected to the lower 48, America needs 36 minutes and 38 seconds worth of an acceptance speech to know you’re “one of us.”

If you give your wife a dap on stage, it’s actually a “terrorist fist jab.” If your daughter licks her palm so that she can slick down your youngest child’s hair on national TV it’s an “adorable moment.” (Seriously, forget about abstinence only, teach these folks some grooming skills).

DTD SAYS: If your pastor rails against inequality in the United States of America, you’re an “extremist.” If your pastor welcomes a sermon by a member of Jews for Jesus who preaches that the killing of Jews by terrorists is a lesson to Jews that they must convert to Christianity, you’re a “fundamentalist.”

If you’re a black man and you use a scholarship to get into college, then work your way up to being the president of the Harvard Law Review, you’re “uppity.” If you’re a conservative and your parents pay your way to Hawaii Pacific University . . . you only have four more schools to attend over the next five years before you somehow manage to graduate (it might be five more schools over the next five years. No one has yet verified whether or not Palin was actually ever registered at the University of Hawaii at Hilo. But, you know how shady people are who ever attended any kind of school in Hawaii).

SeanOcali says: If you’re 18, white, and get a 16 year old girl pregnant “life happens.” If you’re 18, black, and impregnate a 16 year old girl, you’re a “registered sex offender.”

If you spend 18 months building a campaign around the theme of “Change,” it’s just “empty rhetoric.” If one week before your party’s national convention you SUDDENLY make your candidacy about “Change,” that’s “red meat.”

And your last lesson for the day:

If you are a Democrat, an Independent, or even a moderate Republican, if you’re female, male, white, black, Asian, Hispanic, bi-racial, multi-ethnic, or GLBT, if you’re a Jew, Gentile, Muslim, agnostic or atheist — “Yes, we can!”

If you’re a pitbull with lipstick from Alaska, “Yup, yup!”

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