Dear Madonna,

I too am a poor young person of African descent with only one living parent remaining. She’s tossed me out of the house to fend for myself citing the fact that I am “grown”. I am Needy. And Negro. I know you are willing to flout the laws of a small African country that prohibits foreign adoption of orphans. (Unless the adopting family is extremely rich and famous.) You are a true humanitarian who would not give a child’s father the $1000 USD or whatever you spent on your last handbag that it might take for him to raise his own child.

No you stepped in and flew that baby to the better life you can provide raising little David through a series of nannies. All I ask now is that you please, for the love of God, swoop in and rescue me too from my poverty. My TiVO is hardly working these days. I could use a trip to Mustique really badly too. Please Madonna. Do the right thing. Adopt me now. My mother would happily accept any salt or trinkets for me that you have as long as she can re-sell them on eBay.

Sincerely yours (hopefully soon),
Jill Tubman

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