“Barack Obama the blackest name I've ever heard in my life. It don't get much blacker than that s**t. I've been black for forty years, I've never met a Barack or an Obama. That's the blackest name of all time, that's right next to Dikembe Mutombo.”

“And he's so calm and cool sometimes I think he doesn't even realize he's the black candidate. He's so relaxed, he's thinking he could win this thing fair and square.”

“Who do we have running for president, John McCain? Good for him. John McCain. 72 years old. He was too old ten years ago. He's so old he use to own Sidney Poitier. Who's going to be his Vice President? A nurse!?”

“I'm glad Hillary is out of this motherf****r. She would not leave, even when she lost she was like, 'I have to figure out what I'm going to do.' Get off the court like the Lakers did.”

“I don't even understand why Hillary wanted the job as president. It didn't even make no sense. So let me get this straight; she was going to work in an office where her husband got blow jobs in!? Ain't that much redecorating in the world. 'Well the Oval Office is now the rectangle office.'”

“It's going to be hard for Barack, because Barack Obama has a black wife. And I don't believe a black woman can be first lady of the United States. Don't get me wrong, a black woman can be president with no problem. Could you imagine telling your black wife that you're president? 'Honey I'm president' [She'll say,] 'No, we're president!'”

“If Barack Obama wants to be president he has to get himself a white girl. Look what it did for Tiger Woods — took him to the next level. Made that smile even that much bigger. Like a mouth full of golf balls.”

“We like a big white woman. That's what makes black woman so mad. Cause they know Rosie O'Donnell can walk into any black club in America and get a black man. And she don't even like men!”

“Anyone seen Anna Nicole Smith's funeral? Anna Nicole had six black pallbearers at her funeral. S**t, I thought Jim Brown had died or some s**t.”

“A lot of people f***ing around. [John] Edwards got caught out there. Hey, what's a guy to do!? Even without the cancer, ladies don't let your husband look better than you. It's only going to lead to f***ing problems. If that motherf****r weighs 150, you weigh 140. You don't have to be a model but you got to look better than your f***ing man, or it will be trouble.”

“I really want to do a good show cause I don't want the authorities to come take my kids, like they did with Britney Spears. You know how bad of a mom you have to be to lose your kids to a man. She must've been smoking crack out her ass to lose your kids to that guy!?”

“O.J. got a lot of balls. I saw O.J. at one show go, 'You know it's really hard being a single dad.' But you killed the mother O.J.!!! He said it like she won't return his call.”

“My kids is going to be rich which is odd cause I never liked rich kids. So there's a part of me that hates my own children. And when my kids want something I have no sympathy at all. 'Daddy I want a bike.' I'm like, 'f**k you and your bike! F***ing rich bastard!'”

“People always say before you get married you should get a blood test. You don't need a blood test you need a credit check. Bad credit is highly contagious.”

“So let me get this straight, we invade a country with oil and gas cost more!? If I invade IHop pancakes will be cheaper at my house. Gas is so expensive pretty soon they're going to start selling gas in bars. 'Yes, I want to send a half of tank to the little lady over there in red.' Pretty soon people's going to be f***ing for gas.”

“Your money ain't worth sh*t! Have you left the country recently? Nobody takes a f***ing dollar. They look at you like, 'Can you get some change for that sh*t?' I was in London a couple of weeks ago I went to the currency exchange thing. I gave the lady $3,000 , she gave me back a loaf of bread. F***ing Bush, money ain't worth s**t!”"

“What ever happened to Bin Laden? You ever go see a movie and the plot changes in the middle? This whole war is a bad movie. Now I hate to sound like a conspiracy theorist, but I don't believe Bin Laden really exist. A seven foot diabetic Muslim, lives in a cave like Dr. Evil. There's no electricity, yet his camcorder is always charged up. This guy did more movies than Sam Jackson last year.”

“Didn't CNN have some s**t called 'Being Black In America?' If you watch CNN, specials are like 'CNN presents Katrina, CNN presents Global Warming, now CNN Presents Black In America.' I didn't know we were a f***ing disaster! Is our s**t that f****d up!?”

“I like Flavor Flav, I think the show is quite funny. But Flavor Flav must die! In order for black people to make it to the promise land, Flavor Flav has to be shot in the f***ing head. We got a black man running for president, we don't need a [N-Word] running around with a f***ing Viking hat. This motherf***er better put on a suit till November. On Thanksgiving you can put your clock back on.”